Transcript

(in the lab)

Donald: Okay, guys, you have been trained for all kinds of missions. But you are about to enter a soul-bruising, confidence-crushing, apocalyptic environment: high school. Adam, Bree, your glitch test results are fairly stable.

Bree: Yes! I'm going to school!

Adam: I'm fairly stable!

Donald: But, Chase, I am still concerned about your Commando App.

Leo: Commando App? Put on some underpants. We're going to school.

Donald: No, see, in the face of an imminent threat, Chase's Commando App kicks in and he becomes a fearless brute I like to call Spike. It's kinda like a fight-or-flight thing, except I took out the flight part, 'cause, useless. And I replaced it with a testosterone level of like a Tasmanian devil-wolverine-shark-lion hybrid that's mad.

Chase: Don't worry, Mr. Davenport. I promise that Spike won't rear his ugly head.

Donald: Oh, yeah? You mean like last Christmas when I made the mistake of giving Adam boxing gloves?

(a flashback of the partially destroyed lab and Spike throwing a barrel across the room starts)

Spike: Anybody else confused about the-don't-punch me rule?

(Adam looks up, frightened, under Spike's foot. Bree and Donald look at each other and raise their weapons in the effort to defend themselves behind the overturned console. The flashback ends)

Adam: Ugh, I'm still coughing up tinsel.

Donald: You know, letting Chase go to school, isn't such a good idea. I can't risk Spike coming out.

Leo: Oh, come on, Big D. Chase has to come. With these guys, I'll finally get a prime spot in the cafeteria. That's right, y'all. Put on your coats 'cause I'm about to ride your tail!

Adam: Don't worry. We'll make sure he stays out of trouble. Right, guys?

Bree: Yeah. It's one for all and all for one. Unless, of course, you guys make me look bad, in which case, I am dropping you lame-os.

Chase: Mr. Davenport, I can't miss school. This is the beginning of my academic achievements and career trajectory. I mean, the road to astronaut lawyer has to start somewhere.

Donald: Okay. But I better not get a call from the art teacher saying that Spike ripped out her larynx. Actually, she wouldn't be able to say anything, because Spike ripped out her lar– The point is just keep him out of trouble.

Adam: Hey, look what I found.

(Adam punches Chase in stomach and he falls to the floor)

Adam: Look, I'm sorry, but if he's that close to the gloves, it's gonna happen.

(Theme song plays)

...

(in the cafeteria)

Leo: Okay, you guys. That's Principal Perry. She has the temperament of a junkyard dog stuffed into a really bad pantsuit.

Perry: (to random student) Hey, you! No tongue rings in school! Don't try to hide it. I will take a metal detector to your face!

Bree: This is it. My chance for romance. On TV, the new girl always drops her books and the cute guy with the soulful eyes picks them up.

(Bree drops her books and a teacher slips on them instead)

Bree: Oops! Sorry, I'm new.

Leo: Okay, your social life is determined by where you sit. We can't sit at the cool table. But we can be cool table adjacent.

Bree: FYI, Adam just sat down at the cool table.

(Adam is shown to be sitting with the cheerleaders)

Leo: What?! He can't sit there! That's where the football players sit with the cheerleaders. And they pride themselves on finding very clever places to stuff your pudding cup.

Chase: Those girls are actually talking to him. And they can't talk about shapes and colors forever. See ya. (walks over to the table)

Leo: No! The football players are gonna turn them into the 5th food group. It's a rescue mission. Move in. Move in.

(Bree and Leo walk over to the cheerleader's table)

Adam: Oh, hey, guys. Look, these girls just told me when the football players get here, I'm getting a free pudding cup.

Leo: Hi! (mumbles to Chase) Walk away. (to cheerleaders) How's it going? (mumbles to Chase) You're in great danger.

(the football players walk in, chanting. Trent walks up to Leo and sniffs him threateningly)

Leo: Sorry. (moves away from him)

Trent: (to Chase) Hey. That's my seat. Get lost before I use you like a napkin.

Bree: Chase, we should probably go. He's not very absorbent.

(Trent pours a drink on the table)

Trent: Oh, look, a spill! (grabs Chase's shirt) I think I'm gonna wipe it up with your face.

(Chase's face seizes up and his Commando App activates. Spike pins Trent to the table)

Spike: Think again, Bubbleneck. I'm gonna rip out your kneecaps and use them as hockey pucks.

(Adam gets up dramatically from his seat, and clamors over to Bree and Leo)

Adam: Okay, I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think Spike's back.

Trent: You have no idea who you're messing with. Okay? Pudding cups!

(the football players hand Trent pudding cups, but Spike grabs them out of his hands)

Spike: Ohh, I'll take those.

(Spike sprays the entire football team with pudding)

Trent: Hey! Ooooh! You're dead!

(Spike roars and Trent and the football players back away in fear)

Trent: You, okay, okay. You're lucky that we have to go to the reading center right now.

(Trent and the football team run from the cafeteria and the whole room applauds)

Spike: Take a seat, compadres. This is our table now.

Leo: (to the cheerleaders) Hello, ladies. You may remember me from health class when I passed out during the Miracle of Birth video. It's good to see you again.

...

(in the living room)

(Donald walks in and Eddy pops up on the screen)

Eddy: Hey, daddy's home!

Donald: That's never gonna stop being weird. I'll be in the lab. With the kids at school, I'm gonna get so much work done.

Eddy: But I'm all alone. I thought you were gonna play with me. Come on! Let's play dodge ball!

Donald: I'm a grown man, I don't have time to play dodge ball. Besides, you cheat.

Eddy: I don't cheat.

Donald: You do too cheat.

Eddy: Do not.

Donald: Fine. All right. We'll play one game.

(Eddy fires dodge balls at Donald from the walls)

Donald: Eddy! That's cheating.

Eddy: And you weren't even trying.

Donald: Big cheater.

...

(in the main school hallway)

Leo: All right. Make room for the Alpha Dogs. Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

Adam: Don't do that.

Leo: Okay.

Bree: Wait, if we're the Alpha Dogs, then...

(Bree drops her books and several boys pick them up for her)

Bree: Ooh, I love this!

(a boy walks by and hands Spike a slip of paper)

Spike: What's this?

Leo: That's an all access hall pass. You can go anywhere you want with that.

Spike: I can go anywhere I want already. These, (flexes) ugh, are my hall passes.

Leo: Okay, if he starts oiling up, I'm out.

(Spike continues to flex and notices cheerleaders looking at him. Chase's Commando App deactivates)

Chase: Commando App disengaged? Guys! Why was I in Commando mode?

Bree: (high-pitched) Were you in Commando mode?

Leo: I didn't see a Commando mode.

Adam: Oh, that's good, everyone keep lying.

Chase: You guys were supposed to watch out for me.

Leo: Oh, we watched the whole thing. You manhandled the quarterback and pudding popped the whole offensive line!

Chase: What?! Aw, great. This is so gonna come back to haunt my Supreme Court nomination.

Bree: You know what Spike would say to that? Nothing. He'd rip out your rib cage and play it like a xylophone.

Adam: Yeah, I like him. He's like a big, fun monster, and (mock whimpers) you're a sad little buddy.

Leo: I'll get Spike back. Get lost before I use you like a napkin.

(Leo tries to lift Chase up several times, but is unsuccessful)

Leo: Yeah, this isn't gonna work.

...

(in the lab)

Eddy: Guess who-oo?

Donald: Eddy, I– I really need you to be quiet.

Eddy: All right. Quiet. Sshhh! ♪ Who's the luckiest girl at the fair ♪ It's the girl who was right with me there ♪ Su-eeeey!

Donald: Eddy! Your singing voice is like cats being dragged down a blackboard.

Eddy: Uh, sorry. Right. You're working. Shush!

(Eddy starts humming a tune and Donald puts down what he was working on in frustration)

Donald: Eddy. All right, I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no other choice.

(scene changes and Donald has just finished putting sticky notes all over Eddy's screen)

Donald: There. Finally.

(Donald's phone rings)

Donald: Hello?

Eddy: Hi!

(Donald throws his phone into container emitting fog)

Eddy: (from behind sticky notes) I'm still here!

...

(in the cafeteria)

Leo: (to a cheerleader) Hey, baby. Wanna nibble?

Chase: Hey, there's Trent. I better go apologize.

Bree: Whoa! Slow it up, buttercup.

Leo: Mail him a greeting card. It's so much more personal.

Adam: Guys, look. The cheerleaders cut up my food into tiny pieces. I'm eating a turkey burger through a straw. Mmm. Gibblet-y!

(Perry walks in)

Perry: Hey! New kid! Come here!

(Chase stands up quickly, and goes over to her)

Perry: Do you know what happens when my football players get humiliated? No! You don't. Because my football players don't get humiliated!

Adam: They look humiliated to me.

(a janitor walks by with a garbage bag and accidentally hits some of the football players in the head)

Perry: I know what team spirit is about. Because I was the jammer on the North Pacific roller derby championship team.

Chase: Quite an accomplishment.

Perry: Don't mock me, squash face. My career ended when a trash talker like you got inside my head and I wiped. One zebra called it the worst single-bodied collision she'd ever seen.

Chase: (chuckling) I'd crash too if I saw a talking zebra.

Perry: It's a referee, you desk donkey! Trent told me what you did this morning at breakfast. You will not undermine the morale of my team. Evacuate this table. Now!

(Adam, Bree, and Leo hurriedly get up. Chase's Commando App activates)

Spike: Watch who you're talking to, sports bra! I bet you panicked, threw yourself off the track ,and blamed the other team for your weakness.

Leo: Do you think this Spike thing's gotten a bit out of hand?

Bree: He might've crossed the line at sports bra.

Perry: I had to quit because of that accident.

Spike: Quit? Or move out of the state in shame?

Perry: He doesn't know! He wasn't there.

Spike: Why don't you hop in your economy car and tootle on home to your six cats and your online bingo tournament.

Perry: Jokes on you. I have 5 cats. Ha!

(Trent walks over)

Trent: (whining) You didn't get our table back. Bumming us out. And when we're bummed out, we lose. (whines) Do something.

Perry: All right, kid. I'll make you a deal. Let's be civilized and settle this the old-fashioned way. With a bone-crushing grudge match on the football field!

Spike: We're in. Me... Him, her... and him.

Perry: You and your band of nobodies versus my fighting dingoes.

Bree: Who is she calling a nobody? I got half a BFF necklace today.

Perry: Winner takes table and all the glory.

Leo: Oh, ma'am, as much as I'd like to flex my football fanciness, um, girls soccer has the field tonight.

Perry: Eh, just as well. I can't condone such a violent game on school grounds. So let's take it to the dog park across the street!

Football Team: Yeah!

Leo: Am I the only one that's gonna need a fresh change of pants before we start?

...

(at the dog park)

Leo: This doesn't seem fair.

Perry: Seems fair to me. Let's get it on! (blows whistle)

Leo: Let's huddle!

Adam: Huh?

Bree: Pardon me?

Spike: I huddled before I got here.

Leo: Oh, man, you guys don't know how to play football. Okay, we need to stop that team from getting into our end zone and scoring a--

Trent: Hike!

(Trent throws the ball and Leo is tackled. They score a touchdown)

Leo: ...touchdown.

...

Leo: All right, Adam. You squat down right here, and when I say, "hike," you're gonna pass the ball between your legs to my hands which will be right here.

Adam: Whoa! Hey, it's football. It's not handsball.

Trent: Ready?

Football Players: Break!

Spike: Hey, nuggethead. Quit sucking air and hike him the ball like this. (passes ball) Hike!

(Leo is carried away by two football players, and they run to the end zone)

Leo: Hey!

Trent: Safety! Two points!

...

Spike: Losing makes me wanna rip out my own intestines and wear 'em as a sweat band.

Leo: Okay. The only way we're gonna win is if we use your super speed, your super strength and your super-nutty split personality.

Bree: I'll do whatever it takes. I already smell like a sweaty ape. I don't want this to be for nothing.

Leo: Here's what we're gonna do.

(they huddles)

All: Break!

Bree: Whoo! Yeah! Go team! Whoo! I'm a football player and a cheerleader. I'm that good.

(the whistle blows)

Leo: Hey! Is that a Biggie Burger truck pulling up?

(the football players look in the other direction and Bree super speeds and ties their shoe laces together)

Leo: Guess not. Hike!

Trent: Hey! How'd our shoes get tied together?

(Spike knocks through all of them and scores a touchdown)

Leo: Touchdown!

(they all cheer, Spike roars, and Adam starts cheering and dancing)

Adam: Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! What? If Bree can be a cheerleader, I can too! Whoo hoo!

(Bree and Leo join in and dance with Adam while Spike shakes his head disapprovingly)

Bree: Hooo!

...

(in the kitchen)

Donald: Eddy, I owe you a huge apology. I should've never covered you with sticky notes.

Eddy: Apology accepted. Now entertain me!

Donald: What am I, a balloon? No. But, I do have something that will.

(Donald swipes the screen and reveals a female version of Eddy)

Donald: Eddy, meet Edie.

Edie: Well, hello there. Aren't you easy on the screen.

Eddy: Hiya, hot stuff! You look like a million megapixels.

Edie: I bet you say that to all the emoticons.

Eddy: Just the curvy ones with one eye. You designed her for me? I love you, man.

Donald: And I love you too... (walks away) Vaguely disturbing smart-home system.

...

(at the dog park)

Perry: Seven seconds left. Now remember, kids, there's no shame in losing. Oh, wait. Yes, there is! (cackles) Game on! (blows whistle)

Leo: All right, we have time for one more play. Spike, you scored every touchdown today. You score one more and we win.

Spike: Give me the ball. If I don't come back with their spleens, you'll know I failed.

(they all walk over to get in position and Chase's Commando App deactivates)

Chase: Wait! Where am I? And am I wearing a jockstrap?

Bree: Oh, no. It's Chase. We need Spike back! Where is he? Where is Spike? (starts throttling Chase)

Trent: Hey, let's go! We don't have all day!

Leo: Time out!

(the whistle blows)

Chase: I told you. I don't wanna be Spike. Look, I've been waiting for my first day of school for 15 years. And now I don't even remember it.

Leo: When you put it that way, I just feel selfish.

Bree: Yeah.

Adam: Oh, come on! Snap out of it! I wanna win!

Leo: No, he's right.

Chase: Come on, guys, we can still win this thing. And even if we don't, what do we have to lose?

Adam: Our table.

Bree: Popularity.

Leo: Everything.

Trent: Come on! We playing football or we playing putt-putt? (laughs)

Leo: Here's what we're gonna do. I'll do a flea-flicker toss to you.

Chase: And I'll use my mathematical analysis to throw the perfect pass.

Leo: Adam, assume the position.

Adam: All right, this is the last time I'm doing this.

(the whistle blows and they all get into position)

Leo: Ready? Hike!

(Leo passes the ball to Chase and Adam, Bree, and Leo run to the other side of the field to catch the ball)

(in slow motion)

Leo: Chase! Over here!

Bree: Chase! I'm open! Throw it to me!

Adam: Don't throw it to her! Throw it to me!

Bree: Chase! Over here!

Adam: Chase! I'm open!

Leo: Throw it!

Chase: It's all big scribbles!

(the slow motion scene ends and Chase is flipped over and tackled by the entire football team)

Perry: Game over! Dingoes win!

Trent: Yeah! See ya at the cafeteria, Alpha Duds! Oh! And the pudding's on you. (laughs)

Chase: Well, we may not be the Alpha Dogs anymore, but at least we still have each other. We're not total nobodies.

Leo: No, we are total nobodies, but at least I have you three to carry my broken butt home.

(Leo flops on the ground and Adam, Bree, and Chase pick him up and carry him out)

...

(in the cafeteria)

Perry: Your whole life's a disappointment.

Spike: At least I don't look like a frog!

Perry: People love frogs. You look like an owl!

Spike: Owls are wise. You know what else is wise? Old people like you.

Perry: Yeah, I'm old. Shouldn't you be joining a boy band?

Spike: You look like a bulldog!

Perry: You look like a poodle!

Spike: People make calendars of poodles. How many bulldog calendars have you seen?

Perry: Ten. I collect 'em.

Spike: They must be worth a lot 'cause they're so rare. Speaking of rare, when was your last date?

Perry: Tuesday. We had clams. They looked just like you.

Spike: (sniffs) Are you sweating? 'Cause I smell gravy.

Perry: Yeah, well, lucky for us, we already have the turkey!

Spike: Hey, Ireland called. They want their leprechaun back!